Contraception for young teens

sprite1950

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My 14 year old granddaughter has been seeing her boyfriend for a year. We talk about sex, they haven't yet and we have discussed contraception. I have told her to come to me if she feels she wants to and we could sort out some form of contraception. I am a 70 year old woman and feel I cannot raise another child should she become pregnant and would hate her to go through abortion.

What are your views on contraception for young teens? We all know it is illegal but hormones are raging at this age and it could happen.
 

Empire

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She's way too young in my option to be having a boy friend and going through that at 14 years old, I mean at least she knows and learning about it but too early.

She is young and has years and years of her life to experience.
 
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sprite1950

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She's way too young in my option to be having a boy friend and going through that at 14 years old, I mean at least she knows and learning about it but too early.

She is young and has years and years of her life to experience.
I would have said the same thing but I know him and like him. They have been friends for a lot longer than they have been dating. If I tried to stop them they would go behind my back and I would rather be in the loop and know what is going on.
 

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I would have said the same thing but I know him and like him. They have been friends for a lot longer than they have been dating. If I tried to stop them they would go behind my back and I would rather be in the loop and know what is going on.

It doesn't matter how much you like her boyfriend. You should have never allowed it. Learn to say no. 14 is too young to be dating and to be in a relationship. That's not what you should be encouraging or teaching her right now.

You're not her friend. You're her mother. Big difference. Tell her she can see her "boyfriend" at school and that he's not to be over. When he's at your house, he has access to her. He can get her knocked up whenever you go lay down for a nap or have an errand to run or turn your back for 30 minutes.

If you're afraid she's having sex. You need to take her to a medical physician and have them put an IUD in her arm or give her the needle. Pills and condoms aren't the best choice because most teens are reckless when taking them and end up knocked up anyway. Your daughter is obviously not going to take that step. But you as a parent can make her do it by taking her to the doctors office and forcing it. You're the parent.
 
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sprite1950

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It doesn't matter how much you like her boyfriend. You should have never allowed it. Learn to say no. 14 is too young to be dating and to be in a relationship. That's not what you should be encouraging or teaching her right now.

You're not her friend. You're her mother. Big difference. Tell her she can see her "boyfriend" at school and that he's not to be over. When he's at your house, he has access to her. He can get her knocked up whenever you go lay down for a nap or have an errand to run or turn your back for 30 minutes.

If you're afraid she's having sex. You need to take her to a medical physician and have them put an IUD in her arm or give her the needle. Pills and condoms aren't the best choice because most teens are reckless when taking them and end up knocked up anyway. Your daughter is obviously not going to take that step. But you as a parent can make her do it by taking her to the doctors office and forcing it. You're the parent.
She's not my daughter she's my granddaughter. Have you got children? Are you saying they should never have become friends with him? That's ridiculous. So how would you have actually stopped her seeing him? They don't go to the same school and met through mutual friends and have never been alone either in his house or my house. I can tell you now that if I had forbidden her to see him she would have sneaked around behind my back because that's what kids do. As it is we have an open relationship and can talk about sex and contraception.

Did you actually read my post and the response I wrote to Empire or did you just read the title?
 

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Have you got children?

Yes.

Are you saying they should never have become friends with him?

No. I'm saying they can be friends. But limit them. My kids aren't allowed to have friends over and that's strictly for legal reasons because the last time my daughter "went" to another little girls house. She got molested and DFS and the police got involved. So I'm sorry if I'm stricter than most parents. But it's for their own good. You cannot trust anyone.

I can tell you now that if I had forbidden her to see him she would have sneaked around behind my back because that's what kids do. As it is we have an open relationship and can talk about sex and contraception.

That's why you take her to see a doctor and have her put on an IUD or the needle. It's birth control. You left out details.

Did you actually read my post and the response I wrote to Empire or did you just read the title?

I read your entire post and I assumed she was living with you because you were complaining about raising her child if she got pregnant. Grandparents can be guardians if the default parents are no longer able or are not willing. like my ex wife walked out on our kids. My grandparents helped raise me off and on when my mother was having issues. I had a friends in high school whose parents were as old as you and had siblings much older than them.


Other than that. No I was not having a go at you.
 

sprite1950

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Sorry it's just that you referred to us as mother and daughter when I plainly said I was her grandmother plus I was asking for views on contraception for the very young not a list of things I was doing wrong in raising her.
 

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plus I was asking for views on contraception

Well. My view on contraception is IUD, the needle, and if young women are really motivated. Maybe they might religiously take the pill. I believe young men should use condoms if the young girl isn't taking or isn't on anything. It's always good to practice safe sex.

Do I believe birth control is 100%? No. Not at all.
 

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I think that the approach you've taken @sprite1950 is the right one - Being kept in the loop and her feeling supported is far better than her going behind your back and trying 'not to get caught' : Teenagers are teenagers and the best thing is that they feel supported and that they can come to someone - it sounds like you want to be that person and I can only praise that openness.

In this situation I don't think "forcing" her to take IUD or even the embarrassment of dragging her to a doctor would make her feel very trustworthy of adults in her life. It's definitely not ideal to be having sex at a young age, but if it's truly what they both want (and ensuring both understand the true concept of consent) then trying to stop them is probably not going to work. I think maybe speaking with her, trying to be open and understanding, about contraception (pills and condoms being the main two) and offering to help her get these is the best approach. Yeah, neither work 100% but the two together give a very low chance of anything happening.

I hope that helps :)
 
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sprite1950

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I think that the approach you've taken @sprite1950 is the right one - Being kept in the loop and her feeling supported is far better than her going behind your back and trying 'not to get caught' : Teenagers are teenagers and the best thing is that they feel supported and that they can come to someone - it sounds like you want to be that person and I can only praise that openness.

In this situation I don't think "forcing" her to take IUD or even the embarrassment of dragging her to a doctor would make her feel very trustworthy of adults in her life. It's definitely not ideal to be having sex at a young age, but if it's truly what they both want (and ensuring both understand the true concept of consent) then trying to stop them is probably not going to work. I think maybe speaking with her, trying to be open and understanding, about contraception (pills and condoms being the main two) and offering to help her get these is the best approach. Yeah, neither work 100% but the two together give a very low chance of anything happening.

I hope that helps :)
We have a really open relationship and she doesn't get embarrassed talking about sex. I believe her when she says she's not having sex yet and she has promised me she will tell me if they think about it. I think when the time is right she will come to me and we can go to the doctor together.

I also think she is too young and I would much prefer her to wait but I also remember what it was like when I was a teen. Those hormones have a lot to answer for! She has a lovely relationship with her boyfriend, they are really good friends so it's not as if the relationship is casual.
 

Will1234

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14 years old !!?? If I had a daughter, at 14 years old she will still Play with dolls, or at least finding her a proper hobby, like photography, dance or some sort of sport. The new generation gets mad and I think that’s because of social media , and depressions which most children are suffer...
 

Lämmchen

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When my daughter was 14 she only "dated" her boyfriends by doing group things which was usually a group of boys and girls mixed...probably 7-10 of them at once. They would go to the movies, miniature golf, bowling, and things where pressure to have sex was not an option.

Since you say you and your granddaughter can talk about anything, maybe you should bring it up that the group outings would be better for her so she wouldn't be pressured to do something she isn't ready to do.

Another thing is to have her babysit some really grumpy babies who are difficult to care for. That turned off all my nieces and nephews so none of them want to have kids and don't take risks.
 

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Another thing is to have her babysit some really grumpy babies who are difficult to care for. That turned off all my nieces and nephews so none of them want to have kids and don't take risks.
Same with my brother. He swore off kids ages ago after me and my ex wife had our daughter. She was a very difficult baby. But she's an amazing 11 year old.
 

Matthew

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Comprehensive sex ed and safe sex practices are easily preferred to the alternative especially for those that are not ready emotionally or fiscally to care for another human, let alone a puppy for goldfish. I tend to also agree with Lammchen that group outings may be a better situation that helps reduce peer pressure scenarios. I also agree about babysitting little ones. I have a 7 month old that is teething and has contracted pink eye. If she could be used as an example for grumpiness in high schools, teenage pregnancy would all but disappear.
 

sprite1950

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Thank you for the replies. @Lämmchen She met him 2 years ago in a group but they have been dating for the past year. They have a lovely friendship and his mother and I are in close contact so that we can be aware and inform each other of any changes in the relationship.

@Will1234 I agree, when I was 14 I was dressing up in teenage clothes one minute and playing with dolls the next. Everything was so different when I was a teen and even when my own daughter was that age. The closest I came to a boyfriend was a picture of Paul McCartney on my bedroom wall!

She had a horrible start in life and has had plenty of problems during lockdown but he has been her rock. I think it would destroy her if I tried to separate them and cause a multitude of problems. They couldn't see each other for months and maintained their relationship over facetime. I have a case worker who says that is pretty rare for this age group as most young teens do not maintain long relationships.

@Matthew they do have sex ed at school and I think you can even get dolls that cry constantly which are given to girls to look after at night. I think it would put anyone off for life regardless of age!
 

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they do have sex ed at school and I think you can even get dolls that cry constantly which are given to girls to look after at night. I think it would put anyone off for life regardless of age!

I remember that in high school. They made my sister do that and she hated it. I think it works to deter some girls from ever wanting children and some just go out and get knocked up anyway. I didn't start having kids until I was 23 years old and I even then I was unsure about kids because I know how hard they can be.
 

Lämmchen

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@sprite1950 I've seen you write in the thread a few times about not wanting to break them up and then you've also reiterated that they have been dating for a year. Why was that even allowed to begin with at such a young age if they're seeing each other alone? I'm confused on that. Most relationships at that age don't last anyway, so it's not a matter of you not breaking them up, it's a matter of not allowing them alone time.
 
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Will1234

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Thank you for the replies. @Lämmchen She met him 2 years ago in a group but they have been dating for the past year. They have a lovely friendship and his mother and I are in close contact so that we can be aware and inform each other of any changes in the relationship.

@Will1234 I agree, when I was 14 I was dressing up in teenage clothes one minute and playing with dolls the next. Everything was so different when I was a teen and even when my own daughter was that age. The closest I came to a boyfriend was a picture of Paul McCartney on my bedroom wall!

She had a horrible start in life and has had plenty of problems during lockdown but he has been her rock. I think it would destroy her if I tried to separate them and cause a multitude of problems. They couldn't see each other for months and maintained their relationship over facetime. I have a case worker who says that is pretty rare for this age group as most young teens do not maintain long relationships.

@Matthew they do have sex ed at school and I think you can even get dolls that cry constantly which are given to girls to look after at night. I think it would put anyone off for life regardless of age!

Having a proper hobby, or something she likes doing, she won't think about sex at this age.

Giving born to a child is a big responsibility. And I'm sure, if that will happen, the boy will leave her...

But, agree, it's good to have open conversations about sex, but let her know the consequences as well.
 

sprite1950

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@sprite1950 I've seen you write in the thread a few times about not wanting to break them up and then you've also reiterated that they have been dating for a year. Why was that even allowed to begin with at such a young age if they're seeing each other alone? I'm confused on that. Most relationships at that age don't last anyway, so it's not a matter of you not breaking them up, it's a matter of not allowing them alone time.
She did tell me for a long time that they were just friends and the fact remains they really are great friends. It was his mother that told me they were bf/gf a couple of months ago but they were never physical in front of me so I believed them. Perhaps she realised I wouldn't approve. As you say relationships formed at this age do not usually last so it is pretty unusual. The UK has been locked down since Christmas so she hasn't actually seen him until this last week. I thought it would fizzle out.

As for 14 year olds not thinking about sex .. isn't that a bit naive? She normally does swimming and gymnastics but of course this has all been stopped with covid.

Thank you for the lovely judgements .. I've really enjoyed reading them ;)
 
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