Humor heard over the Police Wire

Joshua Farrell

Papa Smurf
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THINGS OVERHEARD WHILE ON THE BEAT

"The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

"Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

"Remember, when you gotta cuff 'em.... nobody is your friend."

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"That says POLICE, not taxi."

"Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second?" (if you aren't a shooter, that is the average speed of a 9mm projectile (slug)).

"So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

"You can't outrun a radio."

"Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

"I'd rather have the gear and not need it than need the gear I don't have."

"If it's worth stopping, it's worth writing."

"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"

"Some people are meant to be cops, and some people are meant to call the cops."

"God made tomorrow for the crooks we don't catch today."

"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

"Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."

"Bulletproof vests aren't."

"Law abiding citizens sleep peacefully in their beds, solely because dedicated men and women stand ready to do violence in their behalf."

"In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

"In God we trust, all others are suspects."

"Just how big were those two beers?"

"Uh....yes, Chief, it only appeared as if I wasn't paying attention to your speech. Actually, you inspired me to meditate on the mission statement and envision a new
paradigm."

"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

"Law enforcement is not a spectator sport."

"I know, I know, your kid is an honor student at the juvenile detention center."

"I'm glad to hear the chief of police is a good, personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."

"You might beat the rap, but you can't beat the ride."

"We don't hire cops in this department, we hire common sense and make cops from it."

"I don't believe they should use the electric chair, they need to use electric bleachers."

"Handcuffs aren't designed for comfort."

"Your arrest. You catch 'em, you clean 'em."