My name is Will and I am an alcoholic.

[Ghost]

You know, everyone in my town knows that I am an alcoholic whether it is because I have admitted it to them, or they have seen me drink and seen my pattern of it. I am not proud of how I am and how I drink, but I am not ashamed of it, though often I hate myself because of my drinking.

I just feel like since I am not ashamed of it in outside life, I cannot be ashamed of it if you guys know. So my name is Will, and I am an alcoholic.

I always have the excuse that I am just a high school partier...and really..that's how I ended up getting the booze that I will be drinking tonight. Why they let me have the booze for myself? I don't know.
However, whatever excuses I pulled out of my ass or whether it's simply because they don't care, it worked.

I have been struggling with this for three years now and it all started in freshman year. A month after my first drink and smoke of marijuana I was drinking and smoking pot from 8am until I went to bed. I then started messing around with ADD meds (adderall mostly)

I went to rehab. This is a long story so I will keep it short.
I got sober for...2 weeks.
I drank again, and then started to deal pot.
I got busted and got off easy, but ended up in a mental hospital because I was suicidal at the time as well. I then went to a therapeutic boarding school for sophomore year in high school.

By the end of that year I was doing any pill you put in front of me, smoking pot, and for the booze, I was drinking a giant bottle of mouthwash every day.

I then got sober for 7 months. I met a girl in my 5th month of sobriety. We broke up...and the bottle cracked open and I was on my way to drinking and later smoking pot again.

One month ago I left a rehab center (I was there for exactly 29 days). The rehab center was also a mental hospital as I had entered my self harming and suicidal ways once again. I stayed sober for two weeks. I found the booze stash that my parents had kept hidden and cleared 60 beers in two days as well as drinking a handle of vodka.

However, I still wanted to stay sober. I kept up for about a week until I went to Nantucket on a trip (this was three days ago).
I drank from the time I woke up until I went to bed which was a mix of vodka and beers once again.

Right now I have been sober for three days.
I have a handle and a 40 oz downstairs that I will be drinking.

I don't know why I am posting this, but for some reason I was compelled to tell the short version of my story. I guess in a way I am asking for help. Everyone in real life has failed to help me, rehab has failed to help me, and my parents just make it worst.

All I'm wondering is this. Is there anyone on this forum that knows any possible way I can recover?
I have nothing to gain and everything to lose, and when my Mom goes to bed in a little bit I will lose...once again.

If you are going to trash talk me, flame, or put me down, do it, because nothing matters anymore. I am severely depressed again and I know how to stop drinking, but I can't put myself to the task.

If you read this, thanks for hearing my story and if any of you know what this is like hit me up on AIM at 'wrugby' or email me at [email='[email protected]]'[email protected][/email]'.

Thanks.
-Will

 

[USHost247]

I just read about you're story and It seems it is pretty bad habit you have. I'm unsure of what I can talk you into, but it seems you really need someone to talk to about things that make you depressed and the reasons you drink and the reasons that make you not want to care about things in your life anymore.

Do me a favor. Think about the reasons why you do these things. Ask yourself..is that beer worth losing your life over? Is it worth your own life to sit there and harm the one thing you will never have again? Is that bottle of vodka the only thing in this world that can make you happy?

These are just some of the questions that you should ask yourself and seriously start thinking about. You need someone to help coach and guide yourself back on the good track in your life. Believe me, I am a great person to talk about things. Anything and everything I am able to talk about and basically relate to from things in my past with friends and stuff. I have never done drugs, never smoked pot, never been drunk, never done anything bad. I have never hurt myself nor will I ever. I have a best friend that used to smoke pot, deal weed, she used to try to commit suicide all the time. She used to cut herself so bad to the point she would have bad scars on her arms. She has been free from that for 4 years now. I was one person in her life that cared enough for her to never look back to those days to start doing it again.

So what Im basically saying is you need a great friend that will help you get through this hard and very bad habit that you have. I know it is tough to over come but you seriously need to overcome it.

I may not know you, but I can surely tell you and really mean this..Your life is so much more worth then the time you sit there and down that bottle of vodka and beer. You do not NEED it. Your mind is just telling you that you want it.

Ask yourself what made you want to start doing those things. Was it peer pressure, a dare, just cause it looked "cool"? Start talking to your self about these things. I dont mean to scare you but one day if you do not overcome this bad habit, you could end up the next day dead because of all the alcohol and liquor that has traveled through your body. I hate to see people that have these habits that they are unable to overcome just because they lack the person to help them through it. I am someone that anyone may rely on and I will truly try my best to help anyone that reaches out with their own hand asking for help.

You have done the number one thing that should be on your list of things to do. You have done the one thing that will start you back on your way to the better way of life. "Admitting you have a problem with drinking" I want to personally congratulate you on admitting you have a problem as many others refuse to say that they have a problem.

If you need someone to speak to, please do not hesitate to talk to me. God bless you and I hope God will put you back on the better track of life.

 

[Ghost]

Thanks a lot man, I just read it and I am glad you put in an effort instead of just telling me the things I hear all the time from everyone else.

I guess the main reason I drink is because I have a self hate. No matter how beautiful my girl is, or how many girls I get with, I still think I look ugly and I hate the way I look.
A few weeks ago I stopped eating, I mean I eat when I'm with people, but at home I eat one meal a day which is usually a sandwich.

The point is... I have a lot of problems with myself.
The reason I first started drinking was my own choice. I was the one that supplied the booze to people who had only drank a few times and when I smoked pot the first time I asked my friend even though he had been against me smoking pot for a while.

When I drink or smoke pot I finally feel comfortable with my self (even if it is a false sense of happiness). I used to drink around people, but now I like drinking by myself. Actually, I love drinking by myself.

I know it is a huge problem. I just don't know what to do now.

 

[USHost247]

If you will, answer some of the questions I ask below.

>>What is the number one thing you hate about yourself?
>>Why do you hate that about yourself?
>>Do you think others think the same as you do?

God makes you the way you are. Nothing you can do to change the way you look. Of course you can get surgery, but technically speaking you can't change it.

Believe me when I say this; I used to have self doughts about myself as well. I used to think that I wasn't good looking, thought I was always the ugly kid that sat in the back of the class room, thought I was the kid a girl would run away from. After a while I overcome that because I knew I was made the way I am for a reason. Theres no changing it and if someone doesnt like the way you are because of the way you look, then guess what? You do NOT need that person. Friends are not people who are there just to drink with, or to smoke with and thats the only time they care to be around you. You need to go out in the world, search for people that actually like to be around you because of who you are, not by the way you look. A true friend is someone who will always be there for anything you need and will stop you from doing bad things in your life that you will regret. If you were near me, sure Id be your friend and you wouldnt be drinking near me cause I'd pour it out and throw the bottle away. You wouldnt smoke near me cause I'd throw it in the toilet.

You do not need those things to be happy in life. You do not need to drink just to feel as if you are happy with yourself. You need to look in the mirror and tell yourself that there is nothing you can change about youself to make you look different. God made you that way cause he did. He has his reasons.

Also about the not eating, man please dont do that. Very unhealthy and will eventually cause your body to eat your muscles away and then gradually you will become weaker and weaker and the drinking will do nothing but make everything worse. You get your energy and vitamins from eating and is something you should not get addicted to not eating. Is not something that you should lose your life over or end up helpless in the hospital.

 

[Nebulous]

I was on a path of self destruction a few years back and the only thing that snapped me out of it was a major life changing event, which was becoming a father. Had that not happened, who knows where I'd be right now.

Seems like you need something to give your life meaning and purpose. I cannot tell you what could be your "wake up call" to snap you out of it, but I hope you find it.

 

[wigsaw]

Will, I guess I'll start this off as I'm only 15 so do I really know what you're going through? Of course not, and I won't sit here preaching as if I do. But my mother has been an on and off recovering addict for my entire life.

Recently she had another relapse which brought the cops to my door at midnight due to a public drunkiness. You can imagine a then 14 year old opening their front door to that..

Yadda yadda yadda , the next day I spent 7 hours in a hospital with her and trying to find her a rehab as she simply wasn't allowed back in the household. Eventually there was one found for her and after her detox she was taken to a household of all recovering addicts (basically a sober house I guess you would say) There they have meetings daily, and she can stay there as she slowly regains the ability to work and provide a living for herself. I guess I just took a few hours of a story into like 2 sentences? But you get my point I'm hoping.

As someone who's seen someone in your position, God, it's terrible. My mom has told me though that being around others who felt the same way and being able to build up with them around is really working and after 15 years of this, well it's better than nothing.

 

[USHost247]

The man who quits has a brain and hand,
As good as the next but lacks the sand
That would make him stick with courage stout,
To whatever he tackles and fight it out.

He starts with a rush and a solemn vow
That he'll soon be showing others how;
Then something new catches his roving eye,
And his task is left for the bye-and-bye.

It's up to each man what will become of him,
He must find in himself the grit and vim
That brings success; he can get any skill,
If he takes to the task a steadfast will.

No man is beaten till he gives in;
Hard luck can't stand for a cheerful grin;
The man who fails needs a better excuse,
Than the quitter's whining, "What's the use?"

For the man who quits lets his chances slip.
Because he's too lazy to keep his grip.
The man who sticks goes ahead with a shout,
While the man who quits joins the, "Down and out."
-Anonymous

What does this mean to you? Means that you only fail when you give up. Don't let yourself say that you are "Down and out". Never give up what you are trying to achieve. Next thing on your list is to pour out that bottle you so encouraged to drink. Pour it all out and never look back.

 

[Ghost]

If you will, answer some of the questions I ask below.

>>What is the number one thing you hate about yourself?
>>Why do you hate that about yourself?
>>Do you think others think the same as you do?

>> I hate the way I look. Doesn't matter what people tell me, I hate the way I look. Everyone tells me I'm hot, but I see that as their opinion, and what it comes down to is what you think of yourself. I also hate my anger. I am very angry towards my mother since I am adopted and have said things you should never say to a woman let alone your own mother.

I hate that about myself..
I hate the way I look because it doesn't matter how I am right now, I was called fatty for all of elementary school, middle school all the girls I liked thought i was unnattractive. Girls seem to like me now, but I believe the things everyone thought in my previous years.

Do I think other think the same things as I do? Absolutely not, everyone loves me, everyone treats me like a king.

Will, I guess I'll start this off as I'm only 15 so do I really know what you're going through?

As someone who's seen someone in your position, God, it's terrible. My mom has told me though that being around others who felt the same way and being able to build up with them around is really working and after 15 years of this, well it's better than nothing.

I read all of your responses, but am only quoting parts of it to save room so people aren't haunted by the long posts.

Truth is, I am a 17 year old kid who just turned 17 and is going into his senior year in high school.
Thanks for all of your responses guys, and I know i should go back to AA, but something scares me away from it.

Thanks wigsaw for sharing that part of your story, it helps me that somewhere people are going through the same things.

 

[Nebulous]

How much do you actually drink usually and who pays for it all?
Also its normal for teenagers to have low self esteem. Its average and almost every one goes through it.

 

[Ghost]

How much do you actually drink usually and who pays for it all?
Also its normal for teenagers to have low self esteem. Its average and almost every one goes through it.

I have never been tipsy, I have a handle right now and I just finished the 40 oz. This will be gone before tomorrow.

I usually drink around 20-30 beers and then a water bottle+ of vodka.

 

[Nebulous]

Who buys it for you? You arent old enough to buy it right?

 

[Ghost]

Who buys it for you? You arent old enough to buy it right?

I live right next to a town that has dozens of liquor stores that will sell to anyone and won't ID them.
My parents are multi millionaires and I get money from them, and I work full time as a lifeguard and make over 400 bucks a week.

Money has never been a problem.
I don't know if I should be proud of this or not...But I have bought my own alcohol every time I have been drunk, which is a lot of money.

 

[USHost247]

I am 17 as well and will be 18 in under a month. I know how the self esteem through the teenager years are. You just have to fight through it. I know everyone makes mistakes; some bigger than others. But you just have to find the right group of people that will help you get through it. Not those who encourage you to do the things you do now and who do it themselves. You need to get away from who help you stay the way you are.

What I learned is: Who cares what other people have said, or done to you in the past. People are mean and they just have hatred in themselves if they treat others that way. Thats what I see. But the one thing you need to overcome is the drinking. Then you need to work on your self esteem. I know theres probably nothing I can say to help you with that problem but thats something that you will have to overcome for yourself and something that will take some time to get over. You need to put down the beer cans and pour the rest out. Thats the only way that will start to help you. Pour it out and dont look back to it.

 

[wigsaw]

Thanks wigsaw for sharing that part of your story, it helps me that somewhere people are going through the same things.

No worries, like Chris said, if you need anyone to talk to I am a Private Message away!

 

[Nebulous]

Well having experience in this issue, I know that it does not matter what people say at all, at least it didn't work for me. Something "bigger" had to happen.

So you either need to find something that will change your life for the better or you will have to hit absolute rock bottom, then you will have nowhere to go but up.

 

[Justin]

I had a drinking problem before. Luckily rehab and other such things have helped me stay sober, even when, bekah had died..

 

[Ghost]

yeh im wating asofr something biger to cahnge my life and help mye satay sober but nothing has done it yet. aclohol psoisoning didnt do it.

i just need to hget help i aguess.
Rest in peace, bekah.

 

[Nebulous]

I assume you want us to think you are drunk by the misspellings? 😛

 

[Ghost]

I assume you want us to think you are drunk by the misspellings? 😛

yeah the night got a little out of hand because I found another flask that was in my desk that I didn't remember hiding.

I guess I will stay off the forum, as I will be having a repeat of last night and I can't type for crap when I am drunk and I feel like it's disorderly conduct of a forum to be posting drunk.

 

[Ilya]

Bro... I feel so bad for you...

They way I look at life is, everyday is not a party... I dont go by the same theory as most people do is "live each day like it will be your last" I planned where I want to be in 1, 5 10 years and I try to accomplish that.

Try to set goals in life, career goals, education goals, and most of all goals to stop drinking or abusing yourself.

Read a book called "A million little pieces" by James Frey, its about a guy who was an alcoholic, was abusing himself just like you, and he was going through rehab and all of that and how that didnt help him but he found his own way of dealing and staying sober.

Even though rehab told him to believe in g-d and that will help him stay sober, he found his own way and took the ultimate test to test himself. After 3-6 month rehab he went to a bar and got the most expensive drink, he put it in front of himself and looked at it and said to the bartender "I am sorry I changed my mind, I dont want it anymore" and left. That was the end of the book he kept honest with himself.

So read that book find something that will make you want to stop drinking and abusing yourself.

I have faith in you, good luck with everything.