I'm going to give you a list of great ways to make your website slower. Making things is so mainstream and hip, but those of us in the know will know that in reality, users salivate at the thought of having pages load really slowly, almost as thrilling as watching paint dry.
First, load it up with tons of queries, don't even ask why you need all these queries, lots of queries is enterprise and enterprise is good. It makes you look like an ultra large site. It'll be hard to beat vB5 at their hundred queries per page, but a few nested loops should do the trick.
You always want to use HTTP/1.0, HTTP/2 and HTTP/3 are just fads which will pass. HTTP/1.0 is the old reliable which has been around the block for decades. And best of all, it is as slow as a donkey and even better, you'll be able to silently share your passwords with your friends at Starbucks, so they can catch up with whatever you're up-to without you even realising it, the surprise is all the fun.
You will also want to load the pages up with dozens upon dozens of libraries which you will never even use, but which you might decide to in the distant future, it would be dreadfully inconvenient to have to download these libraries when the time comes, so why not get it out of the way ahead of time?
You'll also want to fill your site up with giant 4K pretty images to show your users what great taste you have. It doesn't really matter if they don't have 4K screens, bandwidth is cheap anyway, doesn't every apartment building these days have gigabit internet? Why not splurge a little?
AI is the hip new thing these days, so why not take advantage of it everywhere you can. You'll be able to boast to all your friends about how ahead of the times you are and how Google-like your blog is.
Why not load down 40 plugins you're clearly never going to use? You already do something similar with your phone, so what is the harm doing it with your website too for every little plugin you find cute. And who knows, maybe you'll need to use them some day.
This is obviously a tongue-in-cheek article and you really should do the opposite of what is advised here 😛 lol
First, load it up with tons of queries, don't even ask why you need all these queries, lots of queries is enterprise and enterprise is good. It makes you look like an ultra large site. It'll be hard to beat vB5 at their hundred queries per page, but a few nested loops should do the trick.
You always want to use HTTP/1.0, HTTP/2 and HTTP/3 are just fads which will pass. HTTP/1.0 is the old reliable which has been around the block for decades. And best of all, it is as slow as a donkey and even better, you'll be able to silently share your passwords with your friends at Starbucks, so they can catch up with whatever you're up-to without you even realising it, the surprise is all the fun.
You will also want to load the pages up with dozens upon dozens of libraries which you will never even use, but which you might decide to in the distant future, it would be dreadfully inconvenient to have to download these libraries when the time comes, so why not get it out of the way ahead of time?
You'll also want to fill your site up with giant 4K pretty images to show your users what great taste you have. It doesn't really matter if they don't have 4K screens, bandwidth is cheap anyway, doesn't every apartment building these days have gigabit internet? Why not splurge a little?
AI is the hip new thing these days, so why not take advantage of it everywhere you can. You'll be able to boast to all your friends about how ahead of the times you are and how Google-like your blog is.
Why not load down 40 plugins you're clearly never going to use? You already do something similar with your phone, so what is the harm doing it with your website too for every little plugin you find cute. And who knows, maybe you'll need to use them some day.
This is obviously a tongue-in-cheek article and you really should do the opposite of what is advised here 😛 lol
