If a forum gets big enough, and old enough, then its mods and admins will eventually have to deal with unreasonable people. As one such unreasonable person, I know this just as well as anybody. And the odds are you do too, because everyone can be unreasonable at times. That’s just human nature. And the discerning admin has to understand this, or they will be in quite a bit of trouble when unreasonable people show up. In this thread, I’d like to share some of my experience for other admins here on FP on the strategies that I found were successful when dealing with unreasonable people.
First, people are proud. They don’t like to apologize, and they get angry when they feel like they are being disrespected. It can be tempting to try to shut them down, because forum admins have a lot of powers to shut people down. But this is dangerous, because by shutting them down, you simply make them angrier. It’s like responding to a leaky boat by pouring the water back into the ocean, rather than addressing the problem at its source. It’s like letting steam build up in an engine instead of releasing the pressure through a valve. That pressure will build up and explode if you don’t let it out. Overmoderating will keep building up that pressure, until it causes even more damage than it would have if let out gradually.
The key to dealing with unreasonable people is to be respectful to them. Do not shut them down, but let them talk. Let them let loose their steam, so that they don’t explode. Once that steam is all out, then they will be more constructive, and conversation can continue as normal.
Apologizing is a super power. Most people don’t like to apologize because it hurts their pride. They think it makes them look bad, but actually it doesn’t. Learn to apologize, because an apology will instantly make your members happy. And do it sincerely. Do not apologize for impressions. Don’t say “I’m sorry you feel that way,” say “I’m sorry I did X.” The more the apology hurts, the more effective it is.
The way to deal with tension on a forum, from a position of authority, is to be calm, respectful, and sincere. You have to do all of these, not just one of these, or it won’t be enough. If you make a mistake, apologize for it. Be open and accepting. Ask for input, and for ideas. And actually implement them. This makes members proud to be a part of your community.
If there is tension on a thread, never lock it. That will let the steam build up. Defuse the tension. Post to ease the conversation in a better direction. This is the great art of moderation — do not use the tools unless you absolutely must.
Those tools exist for a reason, so how do you use them? First, use them to the minimum degree possible. Never is preferred, and only after copious and explicit warning. Occasionally you may have to use them. When you do, use the minimum. Moderator queue works well, sometimes light restrictions. Only ban people who are are a threat to the safety of the community. But remember, using those tools is an admission that you have lost, because you have failed to solve the problem peacefully.
Spam bots, of course, are another matter, because they are not contributing as real people, but just to advertise their site. Ban those instantly. And trolls are a thing too. Generally, trolls contribute absolutely nothing to a site. They are people who, after you are optimally kind to then, still take delight in the suffering of others. Discerning trolls from humans is another great art of moderation — sometimes it’s easy, sometimes it’s hard. The key difference is that a real human being will respond to gestures of kindness and respect, while a troll will just keep on trolling.
Be open. Foster a discussion. Rise above everything. That is the only way to deal with tension on a forum in a lasting way. At least in my opinion.
Does anyone here have a different perspective? This is what I learned as an admin and mod who made many mistakes. I found that this approach diffused tension the best. Though perhaps it is different for other communities. I am very interested in what other perspectives people here have, since we all have communities here and have to deal with tension from time to time.
First, people are proud. They don’t like to apologize, and they get angry when they feel like they are being disrespected. It can be tempting to try to shut them down, because forum admins have a lot of powers to shut people down. But this is dangerous, because by shutting them down, you simply make them angrier. It’s like responding to a leaky boat by pouring the water back into the ocean, rather than addressing the problem at its source. It’s like letting steam build up in an engine instead of releasing the pressure through a valve. That pressure will build up and explode if you don’t let it out. Overmoderating will keep building up that pressure, until it causes even more damage than it would have if let out gradually.
The key to dealing with unreasonable people is to be respectful to them. Do not shut them down, but let them talk. Let them let loose their steam, so that they don’t explode. Once that steam is all out, then they will be more constructive, and conversation can continue as normal.
Apologizing is a super power. Most people don’t like to apologize because it hurts their pride. They think it makes them look bad, but actually it doesn’t. Learn to apologize, because an apology will instantly make your members happy. And do it sincerely. Do not apologize for impressions. Don’t say “I’m sorry you feel that way,” say “I’m sorry I did X.” The more the apology hurts, the more effective it is.
The way to deal with tension on a forum, from a position of authority, is to be calm, respectful, and sincere. You have to do all of these, not just one of these, or it won’t be enough. If you make a mistake, apologize for it. Be open and accepting. Ask for input, and for ideas. And actually implement them. This makes members proud to be a part of your community.
If there is tension on a thread, never lock it. That will let the steam build up. Defuse the tension. Post to ease the conversation in a better direction. This is the great art of moderation — do not use the tools unless you absolutely must.
Those tools exist for a reason, so how do you use them? First, use them to the minimum degree possible. Never is preferred, and only after copious and explicit warning. Occasionally you may have to use them. When you do, use the minimum. Moderator queue works well, sometimes light restrictions. Only ban people who are are a threat to the safety of the community. But remember, using those tools is an admission that you have lost, because you have failed to solve the problem peacefully.
Spam bots, of course, are another matter, because they are not contributing as real people, but just to advertise their site. Ban those instantly. And trolls are a thing too. Generally, trolls contribute absolutely nothing to a site. They are people who, after you are optimally kind to then, still take delight in the suffering of others. Discerning trolls from humans is another great art of moderation — sometimes it’s easy, sometimes it’s hard. The key difference is that a real human being will respond to gestures of kindness and respect, while a troll will just keep on trolling.
Be open. Foster a discussion. Rise above everything. That is the only way to deal with tension on a forum in a lasting way. At least in my opinion.
Does anyone here have a different perspective? This is what I learned as an admin and mod who made many mistakes. I found that this approach diffused tension the best. Though perhaps it is different for other communities. I am very interested in what other perspectives people here have, since we all have communities here and have to deal with tension from time to time.
